Automated options navigator!

If there is a barometer to measure frustration-levels, highest on the list will be the “automated options navigator” on the phone. All you want to do is to call your bank or the airlines with a particular query. The moment you hear "Our menu options have changed. Please listen carefully!", rest assured, you will spend the entire day on a wild goose chase. We have no idea who has had success navigating through this. If ever there is a modern day maze, this is one. At least, in a physical maze, you can scream for help, and alert some good Samaritan to pull you out. Here, there is none, you can scream your heart out.

The first problem with the navigator is that there are just too many options. You need a notepad just to jot down all the options before selecting one. As far as selection goes, it is like being in an exam with multiple choice questions, where all answers seem equally correct. You select an option to the best of your knowledge and hope for the best. Each option leads you to further options to be selected. That's when it dawns upon you that this is going nowhere. It is like a trick played in olden days, where someone would have scribbled on the margins of a library book- “Go to page 20”. When you go page 20, it will say- “Go to page 43”. At the end of this frantic turning of pages, you will get to a big, bold message “You idiot! Don’t you have anything better to do?” The navigator on the phone is a modern day version of this old trick.

Another version of this navigator trick is to raise your hope quotient. You will be greeted with the message – “You are now calling user 21”. At least, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. You bide your time. You move from 21 to 20 to 9 to 8...till it says...”you are calling user 1”. It is like playing the final over of a T-20 match. It does not get more exciting than this, the prospect to finally speak to someone and ask your blessed question. Just when your turn arrives, you hear a ring and at that opportune moment, nothing more happens! It is a complete blank or worse, the call gets disconnected. Sometimes, having waited on tenterhooks for over an hour, you hear “Our hours of office are from 9 am to 5 pm, Monday to Friday. Goodbye!” You jerk the phone a few times, but it will not help one bit. You shout and vent your frustration, but no one is listening. You have to start all over again. It is like playing Snake and Ladders where the snake has swallowed you from spot 97 and dumped you back to spot 3. Better luck the next time!

The navigator always has a voice that is cheery and enthusiastic. This is also part of the trick. Your mood is so terribly sullen as you go through this grind. At least, the voice can be a little sympathetic and soothing, to apply some balm to your jangled nerves. Instead, each time you start over, the tone of the voice never changes- like sprinkling salt on a festering wound. The navigator designer surely has an evil streak. We would be better off if he left us with silence as we struggle with these options. Instead, we are greeted with instrumental music- trumpet and drums. As each stanza ends and the trumpet fades away, we feel we will get to a human being. The stanza ends; the next one takes over. Even a 3 hour classical concert may end, but not this one. It plays till eternity, or yes, till you lose patience and disconnect the call.

I accidentally stumbled upon an exit strategy. Just do not select any option when the first set of options come up. Be bold and stay silent. It will repeat the options once, twice, thrice. If you have the courage to persist and stay still, it will say “transferring you to the operator”. That is exactly what you want! I have had great success with this technique. But of late, I find some devious mind has plugged this hole too. These days, it says “Sorry. You have not selected any option. Goodbye!”

Human beings are social beings. We need another human being to hear us. Another human being to say “I understand”. That is enough. Automation and Artificial Intelligence is all nice and fine. But it is a poor substitute. Spare us from this exercise in futility. Can we make it mandatory for this automated navigation menu to have an option like “give me a human being”? I bet 100% of the people will select this option. That tells the story.

When Gavaskar got back his "Gandiva"

Arjuna hid his famous bow, the “Gandiva”, atop a tree in the forest. He did not need it anymore. After all, he had to spend the rest of the exile incognito as a dance teacher in the kingdom of Viraata. The Gandiva was forgotten and gathered rust. When the kingdom of Viraata was suddenly attacked, someone had to stand up. Arjuna climbed the tree and got back his Gandiva. The twang of the bow was unmistakable and struck terror in the hearts of the enemy. Armed with the Gandiva, Arjuna was invincible and skittled the enemy in no time. Arjuna’s mojo was back...and how! 

Sunil Gavaskar had given up the “hook shot”. It was a flamboyant shot that he played well, but the shot involved a lot of risk. He no longer had the luxury to play the shot. As the opening batsman of India, it was his responsibility to give India a solid start. Gavaskar provided that start through a dour, defensive technique that saw him grind the bowlers to submission. The hook shot was forgotten and gathered dust for over a decade. 

In the winter of 1983, Clive Lloyd’s West Indies side toured India. Smarting from the recent World Cup loss to minnows India, West Indies had more than a point to prove. Malcolm Marshall was the most fearsome bowler in the world. With his brisk, angular run-up, Marshall resembled a steam-engine firing on all cylinders. Batsmen around the world were flattened by Marshall with a combination of pace, bounce and movement. In addition to Marshall, there was Holding, Davis and Daniel, all lightning quick bowlers in their own right. The batsmen had no freebies at all. 

In the First Test at Kanpur, Marshall was at his meanest best. He bowled a vicious bouncer to Gavaskar. The ball was so lethal, that it knocked Gavaskar’s bat from his hands and he ended up being tamely caught. It was an embarrassing dismissal, like an ace archer ending up with a broken bow. The great Gavaskar was humbled. India lost the Test Match badly. We wondered how Gavaskar would now respond. The stage was set. 

Like Arjuna, Gavaskar rummaged through his attic filled with all kinds of Cricket shots. He blew the dust off the hook shot that lay in a corner. He resolved to play the shot once more. At the Feroz Shah Kotla Ground, Delhi, the venue of the Second Test, Gavaskar unleashed the hook shot against Marshall’s bouncers. It was a different Gavaskar we saw that day. A veritable David versus Goliath saga unfolded as Gavaskar met fire with fire. He played without a helmet, but not once did he flinch even at the risk of being hit. He had the conquered fear demons. It rained fours and sixes and Gavaskar raced to one of his fastest hundreds. It was a momentous century that leveled his tally with the legendary Don Bradman. Marshall’s meteors had been tamed and how! This innings remains part of Cricketing folklore.  

Many decades have passed since that winter of 1983. I still have the red “flicker-book” that was released as part of the Test Series. Each page has almost the same picture, but with a little change, providing a lesson in persistence of vision. Twirl the pages of the flicker-book, and Gavaskar comes alive- his white floppy hat, his characteristic stance and playing the hook shot one more time, right in front of our eyes! Along with the shot, comes back a slice of our childhood that is entwined with Cricket. 

Sport is much like Art. It gives as much joy to the spectators, as it does to the sportsman. When we see the genius of a Maradona or a Gavaskar, it pumps enthusiasm into our veins. There is a spring in our steps, a song on our lips and the world is that much lighter to deal with. Cricket folklore is filled with such tales- of triumph and despair and the indomitable spirit of a sportsman. These songs may date to a dim and distant past. But in our hearts, they remain enshrined forever.