Who will foot the bill?

These days, parties are ‘dime a dozen’. It could be any event- a birthday, an anniversary, or a workplace related celebration. Everyone is gung-ho- “Boss! This event calls for a mega party! Let’s meet at so-and-so restaurant for dinner! We work hard and we party even harder!” The comment is met with peals of laughter and a round of whistles! It is party time!

The dinner party is about to come to a close. That’s when the group starts thinning out. Someone shakes your hand and says, “Nice party yaar! I am sorry, I need to leave now.” Soon, more people exit, some so unobtrusively, that you fail to observe. You suddenly notice you are the last man standing! Who is going to foot the astronomical bill? You wonder if you can try the same trick- shake the waiter’s hand warmly, with a compliment- “nice party yaar” and walk off! By now, the restaurant owner has his eye firmly fixed on you. You have no wriggle room whatsoever.

To avoid this debacle, you learn to act proactively. You make an early exit from the next party with the same tag line- “Nice party yaar!” You would like to pay, but how much is the question. If you are a teetotaler, you become strangely calculative! You stick out a 50 rupee note. The host of the party is confused, “What is this for?” You answer, “It is for my lemon juice!” For you, it is a matter of principle- for the gallons and gallons of alcohol consumed at the party, obviously, you cannot split the bill equally, especially when all you have consumed is “nimbu sherbet”. The party-host is unable to respond to your 50-rupee offer, “No no! I will pay for it!” he stumbles. You make a quick getaway. Your conscience is clear- you tried to pay, he rejected the offer, and the matter is closed for all time to come!

In some parties, someone takes ownership for the entire party. Well before the dinner is over, he makes a secret pact with the bearer. “Ensure that you hand the bill only to me!” When the bill reaches him, the dinner table erupts in protest, “No! You cannot do this! Allow us to pay also!” But our man fends off all mutiny in the ranks, with an ostentatious wave of the hand, “No! The pleasure is entirely mine! Allow me! Please!”

Sometimes, there is a counterweight in the gang, that is just as heavy as our gracious friend. He yanks the bill towards his side, insisting he will pay. A tug of war ensues between the two. It morphs into a mock fight that shows no sign of abating. The restaurant owner is a worried man- “Let anyone pay. Let both pay. I don’t care! I don’t want them toppling the glassware and crockery in this one-upmanship battle!” A third person trying to restrain them will complicate the equation. He will be mistaken for an intruder and the two will gang up and punch him. It is better to wait and allow them to exhaust their excess adrenalin.

In some dinners, the trick is to get your wallet out first. You peruse through the wallet, as though you are about to pay. The act is enacted in full public glare, till it evokes disapproval, “Hold on! You cannot pay for all of us!” At this point, you can keep your wallet back, and feel relieved. You need to only show “intent”, -that done, this technique ensures you can avoid paying forever!

A person coming to India from the US faces a peculiar problem. At the end of the dinner, everyone sits silent. They are staring at him, waiting for him to make the next move. It is assumed, by default, he must pay for everyone. Any semblance of protest is met with- “Come on dude! You earn in American dollars, not like us, poor Indians! This is pocket change for you!” To his horror, he looks at the bill- even after the rupee-to-dollar conversion, it is more than he has ever paid!

Some parties leave no scope for ambiguity. Right at the beginning, it is made clear- This is a “Dutch party”. Everyone pays equally. At the end of the dinner, there is an elaborate collection drive. One person takes the onus of collecting the cash, that comes to him in different denominations. The lending and borrowing exercise stretches endlessly, till he is totally exasperated- “Ok! Let me pay in full. We will settle the money between us later”.

You know later will never come! You can feel light and easy, and head home!