Cockroach yuddham...cockroach yuddham iva!

They say- “rama-ravana-yor-yuddham…rama-ravana-yor-yuddham…iva”. The battle between Rama and Ravana was one of a kind. It was so engrossing, matched in both skill and valor, that a comparison was impossible. If it had to be compared with something, poets say, it must be with itself as the yardstick!

The battle with a cockroach falls in the same category. For every head of Ravana’s that Rama felled, another reappeared. A cockroach is much the same- you can never get him. Even if you do, in his place, a dozen reappear, till you totally give up. Cockroaches are tenacious fighters.

The cockroach and the Vaanara Vali have one point in common. The moment an opponent appeared before Vali, he had a special boon to drain half the opponent’s strength and transfuse that strength to himself. That made him doubly powerful. The cockroach has a similar power. The moment you see him, a wave of disgust runs through your being. While you wring your face in revulsion, your reflexes get slower, and you operate in slow-motion. By then, our friend has beaten you fair and square, and escaped to safer shores, never to come back for the day!

Sometimes, the ammunition at hand, is suspect. You grip the broom aloft like Bheema holding his mace, itching for a fight. You hold the pose, all alert, standing with your feet apart. You egg the cockroach to come out of his hiding, “Hey cockroach! If you are a man, a real man, come out! Come out…and fight!” You slap your thighs, pump your chest, flex your biceps, twirl your moustache, knot your dhoti, and swing the broom in the air. You let out a war-cry, “Dei...dei..cockroach! Vaadaa! Come out!” The cockroach makes no move. He watches you intently with his beady eyes.

It is a game of attrition. Who will blink first? The cockroach has all the time in the world. He will stay behind that dosa-pan, till the cows come home. You give up. Gingerly, you disturb the dosa-pan. He runs like Usain Bolt. Bheema has too many things to do. His mace is upturned, like a batsman with a high back-lift. He must get the broomstick down, all the way from the shoulder and strike the target. He does…with all his might.

In the process, the mace shreds to smithereens. Such is Bheema’s…Vrkodara’s ferocity. The tape from the broomstick handle snaps, the broom falls apart,  the individual twigs scatter and the kitchen is littered with a fine broom-dust.  It is a total mess. You stand weaponless and helpless with the broom-tape in hand. And what about the cockroach? He makes a quick escape, and taunts you, borrowing words from Kamba Ramayana, “Indru poi naaLai vaa!” (“Go home today, rest and come back tomorrow, with a fresh weapon, for a fresh fight!”)

Over the years, the cockroach has upgraded his skills. He is adept in the art of urban warfare. The kitchen shelf is his favorite den. The shelf is packed with spoons, plates, cups, a coconut-grater, a pressure-cooker and all kinds of “kandaa-mundaan” (meaning absolutely useless tinsel).  Once our friend disappears into this maze, how are you going to find him?

You take out one item at a time, emptying the entire shelf cautiously. He may strike at any moment. The kitchen floor is littered with all the debris. The cockroach is nowhere. Where did he go? Where did he go? You stick your head in, and peer into the shelf- there is no trace. He has simply vanished into thin air, leaving you high and dry!

The other possibility is worse. He launches a surprise attack. By now, the kitchen floor is a minefield. While you stumble and hit your toe against the dosa-pan and howl in pain, the obstruction works in his favor. He successfully darts across the room, twiddling his thumb at you!

Drone attacks are not new. Cockroaches have used them from time immemorial. Just when you are about to pin him to the floor, he takes the aerial route, and flies straight at your face! What will you do? What can you do? You run for cover, with the broom between your legs!

In the rarest of rare cases, you manage to strike and strike hard. He lies still. You pump your fist with- “Yes! Yes!” “Veera raaja veera…shoora dheera shoora…” plays in the background. You announce to the entire home that you finally got him. You come back to inspect the aftermath. The floor is squeaking clean. Our friend is nowhere. He pretended…he pretended…he was down and out. When you went the other way to exult, he made a quick getaway!

You clever chap! Cockroach ji…tussi great ho…cockroach sir ji!