"How did your exam go?" asked my mother when I returned from my "XII standard Maths Board exam". "Well, the paper was simple, but I have a doubt. I am unsure whether I wrote the examination number (roll number) on the answer sheet! I just can't remember, I'm afraid". Racked by that doubt, I would spend the next two months of a well earned summer vacation brooding- brooding over all kinds of sinister possibilities- may be the roll-number is missing, may be I wrote it incorrectly, may be I didn't tie the supplement answer sheets tightly and let one of them drift away, may be I tied the sheet too tight and made a hole and thereby let the paper loose, may be I didn't turn the question paper over and forgot to answer the questions at the back, may be my professional dreams will come a cropper!
The prospects look too horrendous to ponder over and gnaw at you depriving you of sleep, leisure and a sane mind! That's the whole problem with a doubting Thomas- doubt assails him at every step.
The train chugs out of the station into the night. I convince myself that I would have definitely written the roll-number correctly; after all, I've never made such a mistake ever. I'm hoping that I can keep doubt at bay with a change in the locales for the next two months. As I gaze out of the window leaving behind the city lights, panic grips me suddenly. I wonder whether I locked the main door at all. I recall that I checked my ticket, the keys and the wallet multiple times- but I draw a blank whether I closed the door. Perhaps, I didn't and just left the door ajar!
Now, how about the gas-stove? Did I turn it off after the last cup of tea that I had ? Memory fails me at this critical juncture as it did Karna trying to recall the Brahmaastra mantra in his last fight against Arjuna. I try to relive the actions surrounding these contentious points, (as people advise you to do) but they are covered in a perpetual haze with no clarity emerging on any of them. The exercise, at best helps to uncover more points to add to my already long list of doubts!
As years go by, doubts more frightening than ever get added. I gave the cheque all right, but did I accidently leave the amount field blank ? I know I signed the cheque. I am sure of that! No doubt! But I don't quite recall whether I wrote the amount either in words or in figures!
Little wonder that the Geeta says- Sanshaya-atma vinashyati (the doubting Thomas is doomed!) and adds that there's neither this world, nor the other nor even simple joys for the doubter! Amongst vices, doubt is doubtlessly the worst!
"Try to deal with doubt with deliberate action", i.e. "be in the moment" as opposed to doing things mechanically. This is the oft quoted method to deal with doubt. But it is here that I have a doubt- How do I know that I am acting deliberately ? Who is going to give his stamp of approval ?
I now have a different technique to deal with doubt. Verification followed by re-verification! Once you've locked the door, tug at it multiple times to prove to yourself that you've done the job. At a later point in time, when Doubt tries to take stab at you, you can surely recall the elaborate antics, thumb your nose at Doubt and sit back with comfort!
Of course, my neighbour might watch the proceedings and doubt (he too!) my mental health-as I virtually hang onto the door and try to yank the padlock off the very bolt! I've noticed that this method actually works.
One's mannerisms of course look fidgety and clumsy in trying to check and re-check. But that's a small price to pay. The pouch hanging off the belly has to be unzipped and zipped every now and then to confirm that the passport has not yet walked away! The back pant pocket has to be felt from time to time to confirm that the wallet is still well and safe, the side pocket needs a little tap off and on to verify that the cell phone is still around, the neck has to be given a little twitch so that the keys hanging off the chain can jingle and prove that they still exist! I've conquered doubt. I am certain!
I just used the restroom. I now have a doubt about the zip!
The prospects look too horrendous to ponder over and gnaw at you depriving you of sleep, leisure and a sane mind! That's the whole problem with a doubting Thomas- doubt assails him at every step.
The train chugs out of the station into the night. I convince myself that I would have definitely written the roll-number correctly; after all, I've never made such a mistake ever. I'm hoping that I can keep doubt at bay with a change in the locales for the next two months. As I gaze out of the window leaving behind the city lights, panic grips me suddenly. I wonder whether I locked the main door at all. I recall that I checked my ticket, the keys and the wallet multiple times- but I draw a blank whether I closed the door. Perhaps, I didn't and just left the door ajar!
Now, how about the gas-stove? Did I turn it off after the last cup of tea that I had ? Memory fails me at this critical juncture as it did Karna trying to recall the Brahmaastra mantra in his last fight against Arjuna. I try to relive the actions surrounding these contentious points, (as people advise you to do) but they are covered in a perpetual haze with no clarity emerging on any of them. The exercise, at best helps to uncover more points to add to my already long list of doubts!
As years go by, doubts more frightening than ever get added. I gave the cheque all right, but did I accidently leave the amount field blank ? I know I signed the cheque. I am sure of that! No doubt! But I don't quite recall whether I wrote the amount either in words or in figures!
Little wonder that the Geeta says- Sanshaya-atma vinashyati (the doubting Thomas is doomed!) and adds that there's neither this world, nor the other nor even simple joys for the doubter! Amongst vices, doubt is doubtlessly the worst!
"Try to deal with doubt with deliberate action", i.e. "be in the moment" as opposed to doing things mechanically. This is the oft quoted method to deal with doubt. But it is here that I have a doubt- How do I know that I am acting deliberately ? Who is going to give his stamp of approval ?
I now have a different technique to deal with doubt. Verification followed by re-verification! Once you've locked the door, tug at it multiple times to prove to yourself that you've done the job. At a later point in time, when Doubt tries to take stab at you, you can surely recall the elaborate antics, thumb your nose at Doubt and sit back with comfort!
Of course, my neighbour might watch the proceedings and doubt (he too!) my mental health-as I virtually hang onto the door and try to yank the padlock off the very bolt! I've noticed that this method actually works.
One's mannerisms of course look fidgety and clumsy in trying to check and re-check. But that's a small price to pay. The pouch hanging off the belly has to be unzipped and zipped every now and then to confirm that the passport has not yet walked away! The back pant pocket has to be felt from time to time to confirm that the wallet is still well and safe, the side pocket needs a little tap off and on to verify that the cell phone is still around, the neck has to be given a little twitch so that the keys hanging off the chain can jingle and prove that they still exist! I've conquered doubt. I am certain!
I just used the restroom. I now have a doubt about the zip!
I guess everyone has a bit of adsent-mindedness / doubting Thomases lurking in them... You just have to do whatever gives you mental peace! Whether it is appearing crazy just so as to get rid of the gnawing doubts or roping in neighbours to do the quick check of the door being locked or the iron switched off :P
ReplyDeletehow about the car? I always manage to forget if i have locked it or not.
ReplyDeleteAbout your last sentence, did forget about the zip or the flush :-)
You're right! I missed the car.. Never sure if the car is locked or not. Keep pressing the button repeatedly despite observing the tail lights blink... The worry is .. did I press the lock or did I press the unlock button!? Hence, a manual check is needed as well! One more doubt: what if the keys are pressed against the pocket and accidently unlocked the car ?
ReplyDelete