The Chief Guest

An unavoidable fixture in any function is the Chief Guest’s address. The occasions vary- it could be the Annual Day at School, Sports Day or the neighborhood Independence Day program.

There is no doubt that the Chief Guest is a man of achievement. The anchor of the ceremony announces grandly, “Today’s Chief Guest needs no introduction!”

Call it lack of basic general knowledge, this is the first time you have heard the Chief Guest’s name. Thankfully, the anchor fills in, for the lacuna. “Nevertheless, I will go ahead and read out his accomplishments that are too many to enumerate!” The Chief Guest smiles gently.

Evidently, the Chief Guest is a pioneer in his field with several awards to his credit, “both in India and abroad”. If he is a musician, the anchor waxes eloquent. “Pandit ji has received” and reels out the full list. There is “sangeet shiromani”, “sangeet ratnakara”, “sangeet kalaanidhi” and several other poly-syllabic titles, that the anchor is reading for the first time. He stumbles and slurs over many a title name, but to his credit, keeps the introduction going.

Finally, he ends with, “I now invite the Chief Guest to grace the occasion and say a few words.” The audience claps heartily- glad to finally do something.

The Chief Guest now begins his speech. He is a sensitive person and acknowledges, “I don’t want to stand between you and the lunch to follow. I have been on the other side and understand what it feels like! I will keep it short.”

The moment the Chief Guest starts with these words of caution, you learn to be wary. Chief Guests are notorious to violate all good intention once they begin talking. It is as if, they want to exact revenge, now that they have the microphone in hand, and a captive audience.

If the Chief Guest is a techie, you have had it. He goes on an autobiographical spiel; strewn with words and terms you have never heard of. He talks about how he started with “digital control systems” and “processors” and how the “market was not ready for it in those days”. The only market you have heard about is the vegetable market and wonder why the market was not ready. Maybe, it was too early in the morning?

The Chief Guest rambles away. You glance this way and that. You are not the only hostage. The little boy alongside pesters his mother that he is getting bored. The mother sternly glares at him and orders him to sit quietly.  You make eye contact with the child and smile. He buries his head in his mother’s lap, looks at you from the corner of the eye, and smiles back. The elders are not doing any better. Some pull out their smartphones and are scrolling away, watching some reels. Others pace up and down the aisle to get to the restroom or check if early lunch is served.

The Chief Guest is blissfully unaware and continues his monotone. After a good 45 minutes, he finally vacates the podium.

The audience breaks into a thunderous applause, in the process, waking up some folks who just could not keep up. The anchor is back on stage and reads out, “Thankyou sir for your thought provoking and inspiring speech. We are indeed blessed, and your words of wisdom will stay with us forever!”