If there is a barometer to measure frustration-levels, highest on the list will be the “automated options navigator” on the phone. All you want to do is to call your bank or the airlines with a particular query. The moment you hear "Our menu options have changed. Please listen carefully!", rest assured, you will spend the entire day on a wild goose chase. We have no idea who has had success navigating through this. If ever there is a modern day maze, this is one. At least, in a physical maze, you can scream for help, and alert some good Samaritan to pull you out. Here, there is none, you can scream your heart out.
The first problem with the navigator is that there are just too many options. You need a notepad just to jot down all the options before selecting one. As far as selection goes, it is like being in an exam with multiple choice questions, where all answers seem equally correct. You select an option to the best of your knowledge and hope for the best. Each option leads you to further options to be selected. That's when it dawns upon you that this is going nowhere. It is like a trick played in olden days, where someone would have scribbled on the margins of a library book- “Go to page 20”. When you go page 20, it will say- “Go to page 43”. At the end of this frantic turning of pages, you will get to a big, bold message “You idiot! Don’t you have anything better to do?” The navigator on the phone is a modern day version of this old trick.
Another version of this navigator trick is to raise your hope quotient. You will be greeted with the message – “You are now calling user 21”. At least, there is some light at the end of the tunnel. You bide your time. You move from 21 to 20 to 9 to 8...till it says...”you are calling user 1”. It is like playing the final over of a T-20 match. It does not get more exciting than this, the prospect to finally speak to someone and ask your blessed question. Just when your turn arrives, you hear a ring and at that opportune moment, nothing more happens! It is a complete blank or worse, the call gets disconnected. Sometimes, having waited on tenterhooks for over an hour, you hear “Our hours of office are from 9 am to 5 pm, Monday to Friday. Goodbye!” You jerk the phone a few times, but it will not help one bit. You shout and vent your frustration, but no one is listening. You have to start all over again. It is like playing Snake and Ladders where the snake has swallowed you from spot 97 and dumped you back to spot 3. Better luck the next time!
The navigator always has a voice that is cheery and enthusiastic. This is also part of the trick. Your mood is so terribly sullen as you go through this grind. At least, the voice can be a little sympathetic and soothing, to apply some balm to your jangled nerves. Instead, each time you start over, the tone of the voice never changes- like sprinkling salt on a festering wound. The navigator designer surely has an evil streak. We would be better off if he left us with silence as we struggle with these options. Instead, we are greeted with instrumental music- trumpet and drums. As each stanza ends and the trumpet fades away, we feel we will get to a human being. The stanza ends; the next one takes over. Even a 3 hour classical concert may end, but not this one. It plays till eternity, or yes, till you lose patience and disconnect the call.
I accidentally stumbled upon an exit strategy. Just do not select any option when the first set of options come up. Be bold and stay silent. It will repeat the options once, twice, thrice. If you have the courage to persist and stay still, it will say “transferring you to the operator”. That is exactly what you want! I have had great success with this technique. But of late, I find some devious mind has plugged this hole too. These days, it says “Sorry. You have not selected any option. Goodbye!”
Human beings are social beings. We need another human being to hear us. Another human being to say “I understand”. That is enough. Automation and Artificial Intelligence is all nice and fine. But it is a poor substitute. Spare us from this exercise in futility. Can we make it mandatory for this automated navigation menu to have an option like “give me a human being”? I bet 100% of the people will select this option. That tells the story.
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