Pearls of parental wisdom!

There is nothing that elicits as much awe as a winner in a Quiz competition. It is the pinnacle of cerebral achievement. All other exams have a bounded syllabus and hard work will bail you out. Not so with a quiz competition. Here, you need the ability to sift through a mountain of information and recollect the precise point on the spur of the moment. It is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack or so I learnt many moons ago.

Back in high school, one Sunday, I was suddenly consumed by a fiery mission. I rummaged through the bookshelves at home and retrieved the multiple volumes of Encyclopedia. Stacking them in sequence I was distressed that one volume was missing. Clicking my tongue in disapproval, I continued with my excavation. More material was exhumed- English Classics, a book of world records and an age-old Dictionary. I asked the attic to be emptied and got bundles of newspapers dating back by a decade. My appetite for information was insatiable.

A pall of dust hung in the air and the home was strewn with books and newspapers. I took the first newspaper and jotted down in my diary, “Chief Minister inaugurates dam”. My father asked, “What are you trying to do?” I answered, “I have a quiz competition coming up!” He was impressed and asked, “When is it?” I answered, “Tomorrow!” He looked at me in disbelief and verified, “Tomorrow?” Nonchalantly, I added, “Yes, I have one hour before the quiz. I plan to go to the school library!” “You have time to only learn the capitals of all the countries and their currencies!” he gave some sage words of advice. I followed that approach and felt empowered with my new- found knowledge about “Addis Ababa” and “dinar”.

The Quiz Competition was a humbling experience. The questions toyed with me like a feather caught in a hurricane. Leave alone answering, even comprehending was tough with questions ranging from UN Security Council to Gram Panchayat! The bouncers were so high that I needn’t even duck!

The wheels of time moved incessantly. One evening, my daughter was browsing through the bookshelf. “I have a Quiz Competition appa!” she indicated. “How are you preparing for it?” I asked. She replied, “You cannot prepare for a quiz. It is all about trivia.” A part of me wanted to ask, “If it is about trivia and trivial things, why are you wasting your precious time?” Nevertheless, I advised her, “Make sure you learn the capitals of all the countries and their currencies!”

Life had come a full circle. I felt happy to handover the pearls of parental wisdom to the next generation!

The corporate audit dilemma!

Audit times are particularly stressful for companies. Here, companies are assessed and certified as conforming to quality standards. Customers feel safe by signing up with a certified company. The irony is that companies have their own compulsions that forces them to bend backwards just to clear the audit! They suddenly go to an overdrive mode to write technical documents for all the previously released products. It is like those students who have lazed around throughout the year and burn the midnight oil just before the exam!

My friend is an IT manager. He was candid when questioned about this approach of putting the cart before the horse. “Look! For us, time to market is key. If we do not deliver the product in time, we do not have a future. But we need the certification. That is also important! Considering both, this is the best we can do.” He elaborates with an over-the-top analogy.

“The core work for the product is done by the programmers. They are my cooks. They can cook, but they cannot write. The documents are written by another team. They are my non-cooks. They can write a cookbook, but they cannot cook! I want the cooks to be left alone. The cooks have been cooking for so long that they need not refer to the cookbook!  If the non-cooks disturb the cooks during the cooking, both will suffer- the dish and the book. End of the day, my customers need the dish! So, we give a free hand to the cooks. Once they complete the dish, the non-cooks will write the book! That is why we scramble before the audit- to write the cookbook for the dishes already cooked!”

The cooking metaphor was getting complicated, but I could not stop my friend. “You may question why the cooks cannot write the cookbook. That looks reasonable, but there is a fallacy. Firstly, my cooks cannot write and secondly, they are too busy. Once they complete the dish, we move them to cook the next dish! The cookbook may be inaccurate since it is written by non-cooks, but we take that risk!”

He hit the issue on the nail saying, “The problem is precisely this- Auditors want to browse through the cookbook during certification time.  We need that certificate by hook or by crook! If you strictly follow the auditor’s guidelines, the cookbook has to be written first and then, cooking should begin. I can do that, but by the time I get breakfast ready, it will be past midnight! I hope you will patiently wait at the table! I will serve you the dish along with the cookbook!” he signed off with a wink!

 

Stressed by stress!

No visit to the doctor, therapist or counsellor is complete without the word “stress” coming up. Regardless of the ailment, stress is attributed as one of the main causes and our favorite whipping boy! We do not know when stress entered our lives. A few decades ago, there was no stress, except as a technical word in Civil Engineering textbooks. Not that stress was absent, we just called it differently! “Do not take so much tension!” was the advice earlier. In this IT age, tension has morphed into stress and taken over our lives!

The word is bandied about so much that “I have no stress” is an invalid statement!  They stare at you incredulously. “What do you mean you have no stress? Do you carry your work home and do you work on weekends?” If you answer yes, you will be immediately pinned! “All that adds to stress. You just don’t know!” If you stick to your point, you will sink deeper into the quagmire. “In fact, denial of stress is one of the symptoms of stress”! At the end of it, it looks better to admit you have stress since there is no escape!

We do not deny the existence of stress. We only question whether we have attributed more fangs and teeth giving it a far greater reality than it deserves. Magazines, newspapers and Self-Help books are replete with articles on stress and how it is a “silent killer”. Leave alone your IT job, even if you took buffaloes out for grazing, you will still be stressed. It is as pervasive as that, sparing none.

Luckily, these stress articles have gatecrashed into us along with suggestions on how to tackle stress. We are so well equipped that we can give a pep-talk on stress avoidance- how to take recourse to yoga, how to squeeze a stress-ball as a stressbuster, how to take a break periodically and gaze out of the window, how to spend quality time with the family and how to pick up a new hobby.

The next time I visit the doctor, I will go sufficiently armed. I will carry a diary with my daily timetable. It will have all the details-   8 to 8:30 am- deep breathing, 8:30 to 9 am- meditation, 9 to 10:30-long walk” and so. My entire day will be spent entirely on stressbusters, like taking Vitamin C pills proactively to avoid a common cold. Perhaps, then, the discussion on stress can be laid to rest.

But I am still worried. I may be told that that my fixation to the stressbuster routine is the cause for my stress. We now need a stressbuster for the stressbuster!

 

 

School Inspection Day!

Back then, a day that generated ample humor was the “School Inspection Day”. For an entire week, the school authorities worked overtime. The reputation of the school hinged on the assessment by the inspector. Classrooms were cleaned up and new charts and banners went up. The trophies got a polish and shone like cut diamonds! It looked like a different school.

Classes were shuffled. All the “bright” boys were packed in one class, and the plan was to cleverly steer the inspector to that class. It increased the probability of getting a favorable assessment. Each year, it was an exciting time.

Often, the D-day ended in a whimper when nothing happened! We learnt that the inspector visited a different class. It was as if we eagerly waited for the storm, only to find that it changed its course! Sometimes, he was pampered in the staffroom, with platefuls of samosa and halwa, with the result he was too contented to conduct any assessment! Or after the binge, he had to spend extended time in the restroom for the rest of the day. Fact and fiction were interwoven when it came to student tales.

Once, the inspector did come to class. We expected him to look like a police-inspector- with a pistol hanging off his belt! But the person who walked in was a genial, elderly man. He sat on the teacher’s chair while our teacher stood nervously beside. His question was probing- “What is the difference between condensation and evaporation?” He picked Sridhar to answer.

Sridhar went blank. He stood for an eternity, his face totally red. The class teacher had tension writ on her face. The inspector waited. Finally, Sridhar blurted out, “In condensation, the thing condenses. In evaporation, the thing evaporates.” It was a thought-provoking answer and the students giggled under their breath. Any reaction was fraught with danger- it could enrage the inspector or the teacher. Or the next question could come our way, and we were no better.

But the inspector was a seasoned veteran. He said, “You are right!” He explained the terms elaborately, glancing at the class teacher from time to time, who readily agreed with whatever he said.

Once the inspector left, everyone heaved a sigh of relief. We surrounded Sridhar- he had come out battle-bruised, but victorious. “I forgot everything!” Sridhar admitted. It did not matter. We hoisted him on our shoulders. He had heroically saved the day!

As we spin the hands of time, it comes to rest on some such nondescript event. An event that happened many moons ago, which generates many a chuckle now! Modern day school and corporate audits are no different- they follow the same time-tested appraisal procedure!