Gems from the acharya: Harikatha on Lord Subrahmanya

In the previous blogpost, we looked at the "Shanmata (6-deity)" mode of worship, through Smt Sharada Gannavaram's Harikatha at Sringeri. We will continue from where we left off.

In the last article, we enjoyed the verses centred on Lord Ganesha. In this article, we will look at the next deity in the Shanmata pantheon- i.e., Lord Subrahmanya. 

As in the previous post, this Harikatha is also unique because the verses presented on Lord Subrahmanya are taken from the shlokas composed by the 34th acharya of Sringeri- Sri Sri Jagadguru Chandrashekhara Bharati mahaswami (1892- 1954).

From the acharya's compositions, 3 verses are presented here.

Verse 1: 

Subrahmanya as Guha- the one who destroys ignorance:

The first verse is from the "Sharavanabhava Maanasa Puja" stotra by the acharya.

Firstly, what is a "maanasa puja" stotra? A maanasa puja strotra is like a session in Guided-Meditation. The entire puja ritual involving the 16-step procedure (shodasha upachaara) is described in the verses. As we mentally chant the verses, it is as though, we are sitting in front of the altar and mentally performing the entire puja. We imagine the deity, we offer a seat for the deity (aasanam) mentally, we wash the feet of the deity (paadyam) mentally, we bathe the deity (snaanam) mentally, we light the lamp mentally (deepam) etc. Every aspect of the puja is described in the verses and the stotra paints a mental picture... to take us through the entire puja process. Stotras that follow this format are called "maanasa puja" stotras.

Adi Shankara has composed the famous "Shiva Maanasa Puja" stotra. Here, the 34th acharya presents a similar maanasa puja stotra, on Lord Subrahmanya. This is the "Sharavanabhava Maanasa Puja" stotra. 

The first verse in this stotra explains the significance of the name "Guha" for Lord Subrahmanya. The verse goes as follows:

The name "Guha" is divided into 2 syllables "Gu" and "Ha". The first line says- the syllable "gu" (gukaara) stands for "intense darkness" "prabalam tamah". What is this darkness? All kinds of negativity, starting from "ignorance" onwards, can be taken as darkness here. 

The second line says- the syllable "ha" (hakaara) stands for "destruction" (haani).

Taken together,  "gu + ha" stands for destruction (shithilaya) of all negativity- called "moha" (delusion) in the third line. The one who is an expert in removing darkness and negativity is "Guha" (yan-naama guha).

Finally, the last line says, I meditate (dhyaayaami) upon such a Lord Subrahmanya, the one who destroys ignorance.

This derivation of "Guha" (as gu + ha) reminds us of the famous mantra that defines a guru (as gu + ru) in the Guru Geeta. "Gu" stands for darkness. "Ru" stands for "tan nivartakah" (the one who removes that darkness) says the Guru Geeta.

Thus, Guha does the same job as the Guru. The Guru is Guha...and Guha is the Guru. After all, Subrahmanya was the Guru for even Lord Shiva (as described in that famous story). 

We are also reminded of Muthuswamy Dikshitar who combined both Guru and Guha as "Guru Guha" and used that expression as his "mudra" in his musical compositions!

One last point related to this verse and maanasa puja. We first imagine and meditate upon Lord Subrahmanya as described above in the first verse of the stotra. Having imagined the deity, the subsequent verses in that stotra, describe the 16-step procedure of the puja (aasanam, arghyam, snaanam etc.)

Verse 2:

Subrahmanya as the bestower of knowledge:

This verse is the second verse from another composition by the acharya called "Shanmukha Pancharatna Stuti". The verse goes as follows:

Here, the acharya explains why Lord Subrahmanya stands with the spear ("vel", shaktyaayudha) and with Valli and Devasena by his side. This description of Lord Subrahmanya is seen in the 3rd and 4th lines. 

In the first two lines, the acharya says:

If a person is blessed by Subrahmanya with "Complete Knowledge" (line 1) (gnyaana shaktyaa), that Gnyaani...becomes Subrahmanya Himself (subrahmanyah  bhavet (line 1)). (We are reminded of the Upanishad phrase- brahma veda...brahma eva bhavati).

And what happens to this gnyaani, the who has become Subrahmanya himself? The acharya says in the second line- the gnyaani becomes so great and has such power (siddhi) that he commands respect (patitvam, i.e. lordship) from the entire army/retinue of the devas (deva-senaa) (line 2). Even devas worship this gnyaani, the verse says.

We notice the pun on the word "Deva-sena". It is used as both "Devasena" (Subrahmanya's consort) as well as "Deva sena" (army of the devas (in the gnyaani context)). Similarly, the word "shakti" is used in 2 ways: as "gnyaana-shakti" (power of knowledge for a gnyaani) and as the weapon ("vel"/spear) wielded by Subrahmanya. The word "subrahmanya" is also used in 2 ways: for a gnyaani and for the Lord. The word "pati" is used twice- in the sense of "lordship" for a gnyaani and again as the spouse/consort of Devasena! Almost every word is repeated in this verse...once for Lord Subrahmanya and a second time for a gnynaani (who is now identical with Subrahmanya!)

In Verse 1 (that we saw earlier), Subrahmanya was presented as the "destroyer of ignorance". In this verse, we see the same idea presented positively- as the "giver of knowledge". 

Thus, the 2 verses are connected.

Verse 3:

Subrahmanya at Tiruchendur- Rivers merge in the ocean:

The next verse is taken from yet another composition by the acharya called "Subrahmanya Bhujanga Strotra". 

Readers will recall that Adi Shankara has composed the famous Subrahmanya Bhujanga Stotra. The 34th acharya has also composed a stotra by the same name, on the same deity at Tiruchendur. Another common point in both compositions is that Subrahmanya, Tiruchendur, the ocean etc...everything is described using a "spiritual metaphor" and compared to the spiritual journey of a seeker.

Bhujanga is a snake. Subrahmanya is often worshipped as a snake. Hence, the name Bhujanga here. Bhujanga is also a particular "metre" in Sanskrit poetry. In the Bhujanga metre, each line of the verse will have "1 short syllable followed by 2 long syllables" repeated. As a snake moves, it coils and expands. This spring-like movement is shown using the repetition of a short syllable followed by a long syllable. These verses- though called "bhujanga", do not follow the bhujanga metre. However, we can still see a natural "flow" and "movement" in these verses. 

This verse is a natural progression from the above 2 verses. In verse 1, ignorance was destroyed. In verse 2, knowledge was gained. In this verse, Lord Subrahmanya blesses the devotee who becomes a gnyaani, and how that gnyaani relates to the varied experiences of the world. We can call this "gnyaana phalam", the result of knowledge.

The verse goes as follows:

 At Tiruchendur, Lord Subrahmanya stands majestic...facing the ocean. 

This verse too starts by talking about the ocean, samudram. The acharya says, rivers (tatinyah), travel from afar and finally abide (samshrayantey) in the ocean. And how do the rivers unite with the ocean? By losing their "names" (abhidhaa) and "form" (rupa). One river may be white in colour and named Ganga. Another river may be dark in colour and named Yamuna. But once they merge in the ocean, they lose (viheena) their identity. There is no Ganga and Yamuna anymore. There is only...one ocean...devoid of all names and forms. We see this merger described in the first line.

The acharya says- a similar "merger" is seen in a gnyaani, the one who knows "Me" (maam pra-vignyaaya) (line 2). Like the river that loses its identity in the ocean, a gnyaani has no more connection with "particular names and forms" of the world. He becomes one with the totality, even while he is living in this world.

It is to convey this message that Lord Subrahmanya stands like an ocean of compassion (dayaa-abdhi) on the ocean-front (says the last quarter of the second line).

We are reminded of the famous Bhagavad Geeta verse (Chapter 2) that uses the same "ocean" metaphor for a gnyaani and how "rivers of experiences", some good, some bad, all merge in him, causing no ripple whatsoever.

With this, we pray to Lord Subrahmanya and the acharya to bless us. May we lose our ignorance. May we gain that complete knowledge. May we...become one with the totality....and be totally free...here and now.

References:

The Harikatha: (Do listen to the narration and music here! The above essay is based on this.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpl54unHoe4  

The stotras:

https://vairaagya.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/34th-sringeri-jagadguru-shri-sharavanabhava-maanasa-puja-stotram/

https://vignanam.org/hindi/sri-shanmukha-pancharatna-stuti.html

https://sanskritdocuments.org/doc_subrahmanya/subrabhujanga4.html

 

Gems from the acharya- A Harikatha on Lord Ganesha

This write-up is based on a Harikatha by Smt Sharada Gannavaram ji that I heard recently. The link for this Harikatha is provided at the end of this article. Rasikas will surely enjoy the talk and the music. 

The uniqueness of this Harikatha is the usage of shlokas composed by Sringeri's 34th acharya- Sri Sri Jagadguru Chandrashekhara Bharati mahaswami (1892 - 1954).

Adi Shankara is revered as the "shanmata sthaapana" acharya- the one who established equal worship for the 6 deities- Ganapati, Subramanya, Shiva, Surya, Devi and Vishnu. All these deities are the same, and depending on our attraction for a particular deity, we can choose any deity as our ishta devata.

The 34th acharya has composed verses on all these 6 deities. We begin with a peek into some verses composed by him on Ganapati.

We will look at 3 verses on Ganesha from acharya's works. The first two are from the "Ganesha Stuti Manjari".

Verse 1: (Verse 4 of Ganesha Stuti Manjari)

AadhoraNaa ankusham etya hastey

gajam vishikshanta iti prathaasti

panchaasya-suunur-gaja eva hastey

dhrtvaa ankusham bhaati vichitram etat

Ganesha as "panchaasya suunu":

The acharya exclaims, "Aho vichitram etat!" "What a wonder this is!" What is the wonder?  He says Ganesha is no ordinary elephant. He is unique because he is not the son (suunu) of another elephant! He is "panchaasya suunu". Here, we have a nice wordplay. Aasyam is face. Pancha has 2 meanings. It can refer to the number 5 or it can refer to something wide, something expansive. If pancha is taken as the number 5, it will refer to Lord Shiva, who has 5 faces (Sadyojaata, Vaamadeva, Aghora, Tatpurusha and Ishaana). With this meaning, Ganesha is Shiva's son- panchaasya suunu. We are familiar with this. 

But the pun on the word pancha, with its alternate meaning, makes this shloka interesting. A lion is called "panchaasya" because the lion has an expanded face. As per this, Ganesha, who is an elephant, is the son of a lion (panchaasya suunu)! Normally, the elephant is mortally scared of a lion. We are aware of expressions like "simha swapnam"- even a lion in dream...scares an elephant. But in this unique case, Ganesha is panchaasya suunu, an elephant, born of a lion, as it were. Thus, the opposites- a lion and an elephant come together...in Ganesha!

Ganesha and ankusham:

In the first line, the acharya mentions another wonder. Normally, the ankusham, the spear, is carried by the mahout (aadhoraNaa). The mahout wields the ankusham to control the elephant. But Ganesha is unique because here, the elephant is holding the ankusham! Why does Ganesha hold the ankusham? He controls the mind of all the bhaktas using his ankusham. We see the benevolence of Ganesha, who carefully protects his devotees, by goading them in the right direction.

Verse 2: (Verse 11 of Ganesha Stuti Manjari)

ganDa-sravat-svachha-mada-pravaaha-gangaa

kataaksha-arka-sutaa yutashcha

Ganesha as Gaja-Prayaaga:

The acharya here talks about a male elephant that is in rut. The "mada jala" is secreted and flows down the cheek of this elephant. The acharya says, this "mada pravaaha" is white in colour (svachha) and this flow of mada...is like the river Ganga.  Readers will recall that Ganga ji is also considered "shveta varna" (white in colour). Such a pure (svachha) and white mada pravaaha flows down the cheek of Ganesha.

Next, the acharya focuses on the "kataaksha", the divine gaze of Ganesha. Even here, there is a pravaaha, a torrent. It is a torrent of compassion. He likens the black eye of Ganesha and the ensuing flow of compassion to the river Yamuna (arka sutaa). Readers will recall that Yamuna is considered black in colour. She is associated with Sri Krishna and hence black. Yamuna is also Surya bhagavan's daughter.  Hence, Yamuna is called "arka (sun) sutaa" in this verse.

We have seen Ganga and Yamuna flowing on Ganesha's face. Our curiosity is kindled. What is going to come next?

The acharya says:

jihvaanchaley-gupta-vahat-saraswati-yuta

There is one more pravaaha flowing from the face of Ganesha. What is it? It is the "vaak pravaaha", the flow of speech, the flow of knowledge...from the mouth of Ganesha. This is the river Saraswati, the acharya says. His keen attention to detail is seen here. He intentionally uses the word "gupta"- which means "covered" or "unseen". An elephant's mouth is covered by the trunk- it is "gupta". So too, the river Saraswati is unseen.

The acharya continues:

Ayam aabhaati gaja-prayaagah

Here, the acharya finally ties the analogy together by summarising that on Ganesha's face, we have a "gaja prayaaga"! It is a Prayaaga, a Triveni, a Sangama...where Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati...all of them come together on Ganesha's mukha!

We notice how the acharya uses similar sounding words- "pravaaha" and "prayaaga" to heighten the poetic effect.

Verse 3:

Ganesha as the bestower of tri-murti-sthaanam:

Next, we look at another interesting verse. Acharya composes a shloka triggered by his observation of things and events around him. Apparently, he composed this verse during a Ganesha Chaturthi celebration at Sringeri where Lord Ganesha's vigraha was placed along with other artefacts like a lotus and a bird. These artefacts were meant for Ganesha's sport (kreedaartham)! Hence, the reference to a lotus and a bird and a snake in this verse. 

The verse goes as follows:

Kamalam-taarkshyam-sarpam nikatey.....kim artham eesha suuno?

Hey eesha-suuno, Lord Shiva's son! Why do you have a lotus (kamalam), Garuda (taarkshyam) and a snake (sarpam) close to you? 

The acharya himself answers this question in the next line. 

aasana vaahana bhushana daanaartham

He says, Ganesha keeps a lotus, a bird, and a snake with him so that he can give them (daanaartham) to his devotees! He says, the lotus (kamalam) will serve as a seat (aasana), the bird (Garuda) will serve as a vaahana (vehicle) and the snake will serve as an ornament (bhushana) for his devotees. We are left bewildered as to why a devotee will need all of this- a lotus as a seat, Garuda as a vaahana etc. 

The acharya solves the riddle.  He says Kamala-aasana refers to Lord Brahma. Taarkshya or Garuda-vaahana refers to Lord Vishnu. And Sarpa-bhushana refers to Lord Shiva. He further elaborates that giving the lotus, bird and snake to his devotees is like bestowing the "tri-murti tulya sthaanam" on them. That is, Ganesha's grace is so boundless, that his devotees become as prominent as the "tri-murtis" themselves! What greater goal can the devotee ask for? The verse ends on this dramatic note.

As we have seen, these shlokas are beautiful. The message and the poetic excellence- make them so endearing!

With this, we pray to Lord Ganesha...that he may bestow his grace on all of us.

References:

Ganesha Stuti Manjari:

https://sanskritdocuments.org/doc_ganesha/gaNeshastutimanjarI.html

The Harikatha that served as the reference:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR-we5RpIZg

  

Rose-milk!

“Rose-milk” runs in the family’s genes. No wonder, the tastebuds are so strikingly similar…spanning multiple generations! When the family folklore is written down one day, Rose-milk will surely occupy a place of pride!

The story goes back to pre-independent India…to the temple town of Tiruvidaimarudur. That’s where father and uncle grew up. In that idyllic township, a veritable “Malgudi”, was a tiny shop called “Ganesh Cooldrinks”! Ganesh Cooldrinks served the best “Crush”, “Sharbat”, “Badam-milk” and “Rose-milk”. No one served Rose-milk as tasty as Ganesh Cooldrinks, or so it seemed, after father’s narration.

“Did you and uncle drink Rose-milk every day at the shop? Everyday…you drank Rose-milk? Everyday? What was the color of the Rose-milk? Was it deep-rose in color or was it light-pink? And…and…was the Rose-milk topped with ice-cubes also?”- you could not curb my childish curiosity!

In another incident, uncle was apparently tempted by Rose-milk sold at Chengelpet station and forced father to buy a glass. One sip and uncle gave up! It tasted horrible, far removed from the delicacy served at Ganesh Cooldrinks. Father had no choice but to drink the rest of it, though it tasted yucky!

When there is so much build-up to Rose-milk…as a child, I had no choice, but to fall for it. Rose-milk was the most fascinating drink on the planet. Even the name “Rose-milk” was so compelling! I could drink Rose-milk thrice a day, perhaps more. When we visited a relative’s home and was offered Bournvita or Horlicks, I quickly turned it down, with a forthright counter question, “I hate Bournvita! Can I have ice-cold Rose-milk instead?”

Certain pleasures are uniquely Indian. When the sun beats down in the summer months…scorching the earth and whipping up a cloud of hot dust…man, animal and bird, everyone runs for cover. The throat is parched and bone-dry. You long for some instant relief.

Imagine ice-cold Rose-milk served on such a fiery afternoon! The feeling is unmatched. The air is redolent…with the fragrance of rose…and with the aroma of “Gulkand”! The glass is full…up to the rim! Ice-cubes float…in the crimson tinged…Rose-milk concoction! As your fingers grip the glass, beads of water droplets condense on the outer walls …and gleam like fine-cut diamonds! It looks so delicious that you gulp and swallow inadvertently, even before you’ve taken the first sip! And the moment you raise the glass to the lips, sweetness fills your entire being! If there is Amrta, if there is Happiness…it is here and now, right in this glass!

Ironically, you do not want to take another sip! The Rose-milk level is sinking; it is such a deflating feeling! A few gulps and it’s over. Once the glass is empty, you tilt your head back and hold the glass vertical! Rose-milk is too precious- not a drop…not a trickle…must be wasted!

The other day, I spotted Rose-milk syrup at the way-side grocery store. Needless to say, I bought the syrup instantly. Sometimes, sitting a work, right in the middle of a deep, technical meeting, the Rose-milk thought will suddenly flash across the mind, bringing an instant smile. It is the smile of anticipation- you look forward…to rush home and drink some ice-cold Rose-milk!

Life is like a glass of Rose-milk. It gives nuggets of happiness…that may be few and far between. But no worries! The remainder of the time, we recollect and relive those special moments…a second time…this time through memory. That reminder is enough… enough to light up the face.

Memory serves as the pleasant aftertaste; the aftertaste that lingers…well after the Rose-milk is over!

The bread winner!

Sometimes, I seriously feel, I would have been a baker in a past life! Nothing else can explain the absolute delight, I find in bread! It is tough to explain the feeling to a non-believer. I can eat bread for 365 days of the year and more! Even the word “break-fast” is a misnomer- it should have been “bread-fast”!

The peculiar fascination for bread can lead to tricky situations. When you go on a trip, you often wake up in the morning, in time for “continental breakfast” at the hotel. There is an entire “spread”, arranged in buffet style. In India, you cannot beat the variety at breakfast. There’s steaming Idli and spicy Sambar, delicious Upma and sumptuous Pongal. You open the next casket on the breakfast counter. Once the mist of the emanating steam settles down, the eye comes face to face with golden Vadas. And yonder, there is crisp Masala Dosa, inviting you with the shine of burnished gold. For a foodie, this is heaven. Full-stop!

Something is clearly amiss. I summon the hotel manager and pop my question, “Where is bread?” He takes time to respond, as though, he’s taking time to process the word.  Totally puzzled, he fumbles, “Bread? Bread?”  Even my family is aghast, “There’s so much variety! Why would you eat bread? You can anyway eat bread at home!”

A bread lover has no explanation. It’s like the episode from the Mahabharata. Before the war, Krishna gave 2 choices to Arjuna and Duryodhana. One choice was to opt for Krishna’s entire Yadava army- all his soldiers, his infantry and cavalry, everyone armed to the teeth. The other choice was to opt for one individual- a non-combatant Krishna. Arjuna made the first choice and chose Krishna. Duryodhana couldn’t believe Arjuna could make such a ridiculous choice! When there was such abundance of power and might in the Yadava army, how could Arjuna opt for a measly Krishna?

For some of us, bread is like the choice Arjuna made! It is a “no-brainer”- there is no choice really.  It does not matter…what else is pitted against bread. Bread wins, hands down, each time, every time! The non-believer scoffs at bread as “tasteless” and “food meant for the sick and the convalescent!”

Father, forgive them, for they know not, what they say! Bread has infinite variety that a non-believer fails to see. We have “bread with jam”, “bread with butter”, “bread with ketchup”, “bread with cucumber and tomato” …what to talk of more exotic concoctions like “bread upma” and “bread pakoda”!

Plain bread is comfort food- soft and fluffy with its unique, subtle taste. Toasted bread, on the other hand, is a completely different breed. The moment it pops off the toaster, it is irresistible- tasty, crunchy and crispy!  Your finger runs after even the crumbs that scatter around with each bite! And then…when it comes to “Rusk” with hot masala tea in the late afternoon- the combination has no contenders!

Bread is your all weather, all-day friend!

These days, there’s a bewildering variety within the bread kingdom. We have “white bread” and “milk bread”, “wheat bread” and “muti-grain bread” and even “sweet bread” and “fruit bread”.  Bread’s close cousins, the “bun” and the Mumbai “pav” are undeniably important players in bread’s dream-team!

In the 1970s, the film “Deewar” had an iconic dialogue between Amitabh and Shashi Kapoor. Amitabh taunts Shashi Kapoor, “I have everything! Aaj mere paas…gaadi hai, bangla hai, bank balance hai! What do you have? Kya hai tumhare paas?” Shashi Kapoor looks at Amitabh in the eye and answers softly, “Mere paas maa hai! Mother is on my side!”

In my version of “Deewar”, this dialogue will get a complete makeover. Amitabh will spew venom with, “Aaj mere paas…sab kuch hai…Idli hai, Dosa hai, Samosa hai, Pongal hai! Kya hai tumhare paas?” Shashi Kapoor will now answer, “Mere paas bread hai!”

Bread is the ultimate winner. No wonder, we still ask, “Who is the bread winner of the family? We do not ask, “Who is the Idli winner or the Dosa winner?” Do we?

 

The book-browser!

Yes, I am a “book-browser”. I browse through books at the bookstore, but I never buy a single book! My defense is this- my wife and children have bought enough and more books from the same bookstore, for over a decade. Those purchases should surely give me some additional perks, shouldn’t they? Why can't I be a book-browser then?

Every evening, I walk to this bookstore at the mall. The only variable in my daily, well-oiled routine is to pull out a book at random! Yes! Open a random book to a random page. That done, I will carefully browse through that one page, as though, it has a specific, pointed message meant for me, for that day! It takes me exactly 10 minutes for this entire exercise. That done, I will place the book back in the shelf and leave the bookstore.

It is a routine that I have followed for months, may be, years. About 2 weeks ago, an attendant manning the aisles, accosted me as I read my book-for-the-day. He said, “Sir! 5 minutes!”  I was puzzled. Never has someone delivered such a pointblank, abrupt message to a book-browser.

After all, a book-browser is well-versed with all the tricks that storeowners use to evict him. An attendant will suddenly appear out of nowhere, to re-arrange the books on that one shelf, against which, the book-browser is leaning. But a book-browser knows how to deal with these attempts to thwart him. He side-steps the attendant and walks away, carrying the book in his hand. Standing at a different corner of the store, he continues his browsing.

Soon, someone comes along and pops a question, “Can I help you sir? Is there a specific book that you are looking for…sir?”  The book-browser is a seasoned campaigner. Experience has taught him to respond with an evasive answer, “No! Thank-you! I can help myself!” and buries himself back in the book.

Next, a security man comes his way. The trick is to avoid eye-contact with any security person.  That singular act renders the security man defenseless. You casually turn around and face the other way, till he goes past you. In some time, he is sure to appear from the opposite end of the aisle. You repeat the same tactics- turn around, face the other way, and continue your reading.

The other nasty methods that bookstore owners use…is to switch off the fan and the lights, in that specific section of the store. Or they broadcast the recorded message, "The store is about to close in 10 minutes!" Why do bookstore folks harbor such obvious hatred for the book-browser, we wonder.

The book-browser is often asked, “Why don’t you buy the blessed book?” People miss the point. The book-browser is not a book reader. A book-browser has neither the patience nor the attention-span to read a book. He is incapable! He simply likes the company of the book.  He likes the feel of the book resting on his palm, he likes to twirl the pages a few times and perhaps read a page or two. And yes, he likes to flit from book to book, like a bee stopping for a moment or two, at each flower! He feels erudite, informed, and knowledgeable in handling the book, without reading it ever…in its entirety! Why can’t we allow the book-browser this innocent pleasure, I say?

“5 minutes only!” the security person curtly repeated at the bookstore. I asked him, “5 minutes for what?” He replied, “For reading the book!”

Strangely, ironically, the book in my hand was a copy of the Bhaagavata Puraana. As per tradition, this book had a timespan associated with it. King Pareekshit had exactly 7 days to internalize this material. The story goes that the king successfully completed the study in those 7 days. And here was this security person saying I had “5 minutes” to read the same book!

I read the book for the full 5 minutes. And once the 5 minutes was over, I placed the book back in the shelf and headed home!

Running errands- techniques to never run another!

Let’s face it. No one wants to run errands. However, you are coerced into this activity, with no wiggle-room whatsoever. Here are some time-tested techniques. If you follow them to the letter, rest assured, you will never have to run another errand.

The first technique is simple.  You wear down the errand-assigner by asking questions and more questions. Let’s say, as a kid, mother asks you to buy 500 gm of sugar. You start a questioning trail as follows- “Which shop should I go to? What if “Kani stores” is closed? What if “Chhada stores” is also closed? What if the shop has run out of sugar? What if he has run out of powdered sugar, but carries sugar-crystals, should I buy the crystal-sugar? What if I forget "500 gm" and say "500 kg" instead? What if he has no sugar, can I buy salt? What if it costs more money than the amount I am carrying? Ok. I will buy 250 gm instead of 500 gm. How much will 250 gm be? This big? What if the shopkeeper has run out of change to give back? What alternate knick-knacks should I buy for the extra change? What if I drop the money…accidentally…before going to the shop? What if I buy the sugar…but there’s a hole in the packet, so much so, by the time, I get home…it’s all gone?” The errand-assigner will eventually relieve you from the onerous task with the following closing remarks, “Instead of answering all your questions, I would rather do it myself! It will be much faster!” That said, you can still go to school, and in the “good deeds done for the week” section, write out a sentence in all seriousness, “Helped elders at home to run errands!”

The second method is to commit mistakes.  The blunder must be of such gigantic proportions that the errand-assigner should never assign you the next task! Most errand assigners will start with one item. It will be something simplistic, “Can you buy some bread?” Obviously, there is no need to write down “buy bread” on a piece of paper. That is plain silly and a waste of paper (and yes, trees also).  By the time you get ready to run the errand, one more item will be added to the list. While you wear your chappals, two more items will be added. And, as you step out of the door, the total number of items will swell to 9. Since you never started out writing the items on paper, the 9 items will all be in your head. By the time you reach the shop, 7 out of 9 would have evaporated! Yes, evaporated into thin air! You recall “bread” and “rice flour” and no more! It’s like the sudden amnesia Karna suffered on the battlefield. What can you do now ? (Remember, there was no cellphone back then). You buy the bread and rice-flour and return!

The next time, the errand-assigner will take no chances. She will hand over to you...a piece of paper with all the items...written down. You make no mistakes this time. When you get back, “What happened to the rest of the items?” Your response- “There are no other items. This is all you wrote out!” “Didn’t you turn the page and look on the other side?” That’s when it hits you! “But…but…you didn’t write PTO at the end of the page! How should I know...the back of the paper also carries items?” The damage is irreparable. You are now stuck with mustard…an entire packet…but not the “rava” to make upma with!

Sometimes, it is a problem of plenty. The errand-list carries a simplistic item- “rice”. When you reach the shop, there is “premium rice”, "raw rice", “idli rice”, “par-boiled rice”, “HB rice”, “basmati rice” and “ponni rice”! There is no hope in hell you can get it right. Whatever you buy, you will be in trouble. You come home huffing and puffing carrying 10 kgs of rice! “Idli rice? Idli rice? Why did you buy 10 kg of idli rice?” When it comes to “dals”, there is eternal confusion. You were asked to buy “tur dal”, but after a lot of deliberation, you carefully picked the packet of “chana dal”! I tell you…the two fellows are identical twins- totally indistinguishable! Or…you were asked to buy “dishwasher soap” and you bought a gallon of “detergent” instead! Logic does not work here. “Sab saabun hi hai naa? It’s all soap only…right? What is the big deal?”- this argument will not work, my dear!

In some cases, you feel you have successfully run the errand. You buy potatoes and cabbage...and return. “Why did you buy potatoes and cabbage? This is what I explicitly asked you…NOT to buy! We just ate potato and cabbage this week!” This is a familiar trap that every errand-runner faces. The problem is with the errand-assigner. Never use negative logic, technically called "neti-neti" logic. “Don’t buy this!” just does not work! It must always be a clear, positive, firm, affirmation…in the imperative mood- “Buy this, buy that!"

I don’t run errands anymore. You can see why!

 

On zips!

Sometimes, you come across the complicated expression- “wardrobe malfunctioning”. Simply put, this expression means some “unintentional lapse” in the dress you are wearing; may be, a button suddenly falls off from the shirt- situations like that!

Among the various causes for “wardrobe malfunctioning”, zips must be listed right at the top. I bought a new sweater about a month ago. It has a zip that runs through its length. I had zipped it till the neck. Much later in the day, I observed that the zip had given way. While the top part of the sweater close to the neck stayed zipped and the lower portion was also intact, it had given way around the belly!

Zips are such unpredictable chaps! At the most opportune moment, they may decide to abandon the call of duty (what you would call “makkar” in Tamil) and take a stroll in the park! And mind you, you have pinned all your faith on them….to guard some of the most sensitive and delicate areas of your clothing.

“Zip” should be an “onomatopoeia” figure of speech in English. I should ask my English teacher. After all, if a zip made a sound when it worked, it would sound like “zip”.  “Agility” and “ease” are embedded in the very word “zip”. We use expressions like “zipping around the city” and “zipline”.  All this is relevant when zips are working in an ideal world.

Quickly, I unzipped and zipped my sweater again. This time round, it was fine. But with zips, much like a sensitive tooth that has just flared up, one occurrence of the problem is enough. You know the issue is festering. It is just a matter of time- the problem will show up again.

These days, zips are everywhere, including backpacks and suitcases. Imagine- you are at the airport. You are already late and have somehow managed to reach the counter. You open the suitcase one last time and are about to place it on the conveyer belt. The zip refuses to close its teeth. The insides of the bulging suitcase spill out, while you watch helplessly, unable to react. What do you do now? There is no escape route.

How you miss those yesteryear robust, steel trunks, fitted with those muscular “navtal” locks! Those trunks were built like bulls, not like these delicate-darling zipped-suitcases.

Sometimes, suitcases have 2 zips that run through the same set of teeth. You can zip the suitcase from either end, so that the 2 zips can meet at the center. Or you can use one zip all the way too. You now have “double protection” and “redundancy”- an idea that can be extended to other zip use-cases.

Zips have many loose parts. In a hurry, if you do not align the prongs to the end of the zip, you will zip it the wrong way. The zip-teeth are now broken…irreparably. Sometimes, the zip handle, by which you hold the zip, is fragile and falls off. From then on, zipping is like a watch-repairer’s job. It is too intricate and delicate a job for your fingers- you must carefully hold the remainder of the zip-handle-stub and push it around each time. Zips also function on the “boolean principle”- either they work fully well, or not at all, there is no “middle-ground”, which is a big nuisance. At least with buttons, when one button falls off, you still have other buttons to save the day.

 “Jip badalna padega!” the tailor tells you when you take your pant to him. “What must be replaced?” you ask him again. “Jip! Jip!” he repeats. Who cares if you call it a “jip” or “zip”! A “jip” by any other name, should zip just as fine. That’s all you want for your pant.

Yes, sometimes, a zip-replacement surgery is the only way to solve the problem. “Can you fit buttons along with the zip...for the pant? Lagaa sakte hain aap…button bhi…zip ke saath-saath? Aur bhaisaab….do-zip chahiye! I need 2 zips. Upar se ek…neeche se doosra! Suitcase jaisa!” you ask the tailor in all seriousness.

I wonder how the tailor will respond to my zip request…to be safe and sound with my pant…and take no chances whatsoever!