Formal letters!

I have not looked at the English examination question-papers lately. Hopefully, they have got rid of the “informal” and “formal” letter-writing questions. No one writes letters in this day and age- whether they be informal or formal letters or letters of love! Even the letters to the editor, is invariably by someone who continues to hang on from an earlier Ice-Age!

Back then, in school, “informal letters” revolved around topics like- “write a letter to your grandparents on how you spent your summer vacation”.

A “formal letter” was a different beast. It was centered on complaints- “Write a letter to the Municipal Corporation that the street dogs in the neighborhood are a menace”. Though the topic appears innocuous, the devil was in the detail.

There was perennial confusion whether the “from” and “to” address should be on the same or opposite side of the paper. So was the problem when it came to addressing the person. Should it be the honorific “Respected sir” or the non-committal “To whomsoever it may concern”?

Then came the all-important line called “Subject”.  Apparently, the addressee for the formal letter was always in such a tearing hurry that everything had to be compressed in the “Subject”. But once you wrote “Subject: Street dog menace”, you hit a writer’s block. What more do you write?  You were forced to write inconsequential phrases of restatement- “This is to bring to your kind attention sir, that the street dogs have become a menace.” You added inane details- how dogs bark through the night and keep everyone awake, how they bite the innocent bystander and spread diseases like rabies followed by an abrupt “etc.” when you ran out of ideas!

It seemed presumptuous that the addressee would need such basic education, but that was the only way to add girth to the content! You also stoked the addressee’s ego with pompous phrases- “Sir, we appeal to your esteemed self to kindly look into the matter at the earliest”.

Finally, you ended the letter with an epithet to describe your servile self- ranging from “yours respectfully” to “yours obediently”.

The letter writing age has thankfully ended. Till date, we know of no one, who read the letter, tracked down the letter-writer and signed a peace-accord with the street dogs! Perhaps, in some forgotten landfill, generations of unread formal letters are piled up, touching the sky!

These days, it is simple to file a complaint by accessing a “portal” on your mobile. You have to only cross the “captcha” hurdle to prove you are a human being and not a street dog! Once that is done, you can write the same complaint “Street dog menace” and hope for the best!