"Lenglish!"

Many of us are overconfident, often bordering on arrogance, when it comes to handling the English language. As Amitabh explains in a yesteryear film, “I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English! Aisi English aavey, I can leave the angrez behind!” We could well have tea with the King of England or give even Shashi Tharoor, a run for his money. Such is our sincere assessment about ourselves.

The balloon of pride is burst, the moment we encounter a legal document in English. It could be a “Rental Agreement”, an “Encumbrance certificate” or a “sale deed”. These are 100 pages of utmost torture. In this time and age, it is strewn with words like “witnesseth”. The wording irks you. You feel like questioning, “Are you Shakespeare? Are you Byron? Why would you say “witnesseth”?” The mind does not co-operate anymore, like a recalcitrant and stubborn child, that refuses to drink milk after the first sip!

The document is divided into several paragraphs. Each paragraph starts with the word “Whereas”. Your mind picks on the grammar, “You can use “whereas” only when there is a comparison of sorts. Something like- you can do this, whereas, if you don’t like it, you can do that.” But the legal document has no such connection. Reams and reams of paragraphs start with “whereas”. “Whereas to subject the schedule a property to better use” is the start of the first paragraph. The second para says, “whereas the parties had mutually agreed”. The third para begins with, “whereas the developer has obtained the necessary power of attorney”. How do you plough through this? It is simply hopeless.

If you navigate through “whereas”, you stumble over the next trap- “the vendor hereby covenants”. You need a dictionary now. What does “covenants” mean? What does “vendor” mean? The mind goes on a trip thinking about all kinds of vendors- vegetable vendor, fruit vendor, mango vendor and then, to the varieties of juicy mangoes- alphonso, banganapalli and so on. You have completely lost the plot now.

To make matters worse, there are cross references all over the place.  The document is scattered with “Schedule A”, “Schedule B”, Schedule C” and so on. You flip the pages to and fro, in a frenzy, to put it all together into a cohesive whole, but it refuses to fall in line.

By now, you are reading only the words, having lost all connection with the meaning. The document shows no mercy. “The expression ‘purchasers’ shall mean and include wherever the context so admits or permits their respective heirs, legal representatives, successors, administrators, executors, agents and assigns of the other part.” Pray tell me, what this means!

Sometimes, you employ a legal expert to explain the contents of the document. After all, you do not want to sign anything without “thorough perusal”. How many such films have we seen? The hero is a  gullible bumpkin and signs papers indiscriminately. Sitting in the audience, you feel like shouting, “You idiot! Read the document before signing! That man standing next to you, prodding you to sign, is the villain! He is the villain! Don’t you realize that, just looking at his eyes? He is about to usurp all your money!” You know how the plot unfolds.

Taking a cue from this, you try to concentrate. The legal helper reads the same document, only with more enthusiasm and with an added stress on some words. He picks some random phrases and raises his voice- "the occupant shall not” and “in his capacity as a” and scrutinizes your face. After each paragraph, he gives a little synopsis. To be honest, the sum and substance of his interpretation, has absolutely no connection to what was read out. The text could well have been in Arabic.

The mind switches off.  Soon, you are yawning uncontrollably, while your legal helper is reading away. You wonder where the problem is. Is it a problem of comprehension, or an inability to navigate through the language or both? You scratch your head, trying hard to focus. By now, the mind is all cloudy. The yawns get more frequent. They are now back-to-back, deeper, and longer, to the point, the eyes well up with tears. If you yawn any more, the jaw will lock and stay locked, that too with your mouth ajar! You blink back at your helper, pleading with him silently…to stop this drivel forthwith.

Eventually, you cut him short with a pointed question, “It is ok to sign….no?” He assures you, “Yes, yes! It is all fine! We just read the document together…no?” If only you could tell him the plain truth- “It is as clear as cow dung!”

Anger wells up. Why is legal English so abstruse and incomprehensible? The mind has a ready answer, “Legal-English is not English..da! It is “Lenglish” da, just another word for gibberish da!”

You cannot delay anymore. You must sign the legal papers. End of the day, the world runs on hope and trust. Ummeed par duniya kaayam hai!