Running errands- techniques to never run another!

Let’s face it. No one wants to run errands. However, you are coerced into this activity, with no wiggle-room whatsoever. Here are some time-tested techniques. If you follow them to the letter, rest assured, you will never have to run another errand.

The first technique is simple.  You wear down the errand-assigner by asking questions and more questions. Let’s say, as a kid, mother asks you to buy 500 gm of sugar. You start a questioning trail as follows- “Which shop should I go to? What if “Kani stores” is closed? What if “Chhada stores” is also closed? What if the shop has run out of sugar? What if he has run out of powdered sugar, but carries sugar-crystals, should I buy the crystal-sugar? What if I forget "500 gm" and say "500 kg" instead? What if he has no sugar, can I buy salt? What if it costs more money than the amount I am carrying? Ok. I will buy 250 gm instead of 500 gm. How much will 250 gm be? This big? What if the shopkeeper has run out of change to give back? What alternate knick-knacks should I buy for the extra change? What if I drop the money…accidentally…before going to the shop? What if I buy the sugar…but there’s a hole in the packet, so much so, by the time, I get home…it’s all gone?” The errand-assigner will eventually relieve you from the onerous task with the following closing remarks, “Instead of answering all your questions, I would rather do it myself! It will be much faster!” That said, you can still go to school, and in the “good deeds done for the week” section, write out a sentence in all seriousness, “Helped elders at home to run errands!”

The second method is to commit mistakes.  The blunder must be of such gigantic proportions that the errand-assigner should never assign you the next task! Most errand assigners will start with one item. It will be something simplistic, “Can you buy some bread?” Obviously, there is no need to write down “buy bread” on a piece of paper. That is plain silly and a waste of paper (and yes, trees also).  By the time you get ready to run the errand, one more item will be added to the list. While you wear your chappals, two more items will be added. And, as you step out of the door, the total number of items will swell to 9. Since you never started out writing the items on paper, the 9 items will all be in your head. By the time you reach the shop, 7 out of 9 would have evaporated! Yes, evaporated into thin air! You recall “bread” and “rice flour” and no more! It’s like the sudden amnesia Karna suffered on the battlefield. What can you do now ? (Remember, there was no cellphone back then). You buy the bread and rice-flour and return!

The next time, the errand-assigner will take no chances. She will hand over to you...a piece of paper with all the items...written down. You make no mistakes this time. When you get back, “What happened to the rest of the items?” Your response- “There are no other items. This is all you wrote out!” “Didn’t you turn the page and look on the other side?” That’s when it hits you! “But…but…you didn’t write PTO at the end of the page! How should I know...the back of the paper also carries items?” The damage is irreparable. You are now stuck with mustard…an entire packet…but not the “rava” to make upma with!

Sometimes, it is a problem of plenty. The errand-list carries a simplistic item- “rice”. When you reach the shop, there is “premium rice”, "raw rice", “idli rice”, “par-boiled rice”, “HB rice”, “basmati rice” and “ponni rice”! There is no hope in hell you can get it right. Whatever you buy, you will be in trouble. You come home huffing and puffing carrying 10 kgs of rice! “Idli rice? Idli rice? Why did you buy 10 kg of idli rice?” When it comes to “dals”, there is eternal confusion. You were asked to buy “tur dal”, but after a lot of deliberation, you carefully picked the packet of “chana dal”! I tell you…the two fellows are identical twins- totally indistinguishable! Or…you were asked to buy “dishwasher soap” and you bought a gallon of “detergent” instead! Logic does not work here. “Sab saabun hi hai naa? It’s all soap only…right? What is the big deal?”- this argument will not work, my dear!

In some cases, you feel you have successfully run the errand. You buy potatoes and cabbage...and return. “Why did you buy potatoes and cabbage? This is what I explicitly asked you…NOT to buy! We just ate potato and cabbage this week!” This is a familiar trap that every errand-runner faces. The problem is with the errand-assigner. Never use negative logic, technically called "neti-neti" logic. “Don’t buy this!” just does not work! It must always be a clear, positive, firm, affirmation…in the imperative mood- “Buy this, buy that!"

I don’t run errands anymore. You can see why!