Where are the keys?

Over 15 years ago, we had just moved into the new flat. On one of the first days, we found ourselves locked out! “I thought you had the keys!” my wife said. “I thought you had the keys!” I retorted. Many a happy family has thus been marooned, the culprit being the main door fitted with an automatic lock.

You have exactly 2 choices- break down the main door, or have someone get into the home, in stealth mode, through the window. We think our homes are safe, secure, and out of bounds from nefarious elements. All it took the security person, was one leap from the neighbor’s flat to our restroom window. That done, he entered our flat and let us in! So much for our “notional” sense of security.

We immediately made friends with our neighbors. We gave them a set of keys for safekeeping. But what if the neighbors are on a holiday and we get locked out? We gave another set of keys to the housemaid. What if the housemaid is also away on that fateful day? We needed still more “redundancy”. Now, everyone on the planet has our housekey. Yes, this way, we will never get locked out again!

Housekeys are slippery fellows. You stuff it in your pant pocket on your way to the office. In the evening, just as you are about to enter your flat, you feel your pocket, and he’s gone! Where did he go? Where did he go? You dig your fingers deeper into your pocket- the front pockets, the back pockets, just about everywhere! He has slipped away. You cannot describe that feeling- the panic, the helplessness, the futility of it all. The brain is totally foggy- from where will you start your search?

Some stories have an unusual ending like the twist in an art film. Your wife lets you in- and you mumble, “I don’t know where I lost the housekey!” She replies, “You never took it to the office in the first place! It is still by the washbasin!” Sometimes, after coming home, yes, after coming home, you cannot find the key. This takes the cake- you used the key to get in. And now, the key is gone! The ridiculousness of it all taunts you. A room-to-room search is conducted, combing every nook and corner, shelf and drawer. The key is nowhere. The entire home is upside down- if ever there was a key, it is now likely buried deeper in this debris.

And guess where you found the key eventually? No! Not in the restroom or inside the refrigerator! It was still inserted on the main door lock! I doubt whether this is oversight- I sincerely believe keys have a life of their own, and a morbid sense of mischief too. They tip-toe out of the house just to send you on a wild goose chase!

One thing about keys- they are faithful to the core. Only the houseowner knows how to operate them. A thief has no hope in hell of entering the house, even if he has the key. Every key has its special character, a quirky behavior, known only to the master. In some cases, the key must be inserted the other way, with the teeth facing up. In other cases, you need to insert the key midway, give it a little jerk, till you hear a click. Thereafter, you can open the door. Miss that vital point, and you will be twirling the key endlessly.

A single key, without a keychain, is like a bachelor. He’s too wild, and given his wayward ways, you are sure to lose him very soon. Sometimes, he tunnels his way down your pant pocket. You come home, and find a tiny hole in the pant pocket, and sure enough, he’s gone! “Why would you carry a single key, without a keychain? That’s surely asking for trouble!” you are asked repeatedly.

Keys with keychains have other issues. You develop some bad habits along the way. You get into a habit of twirling the keychain, as though you are wielding Lord Vishnu’s discus. It looks stylish all right, but at the most opportune moment, just when you are leaning over the embankment, with a raging ocean below- you twirl the keychain, and this one time, out goes the keychain along with your key…into the swirling water! Your eyes bulge, your mouth is ajar, and you let out a strangulated yelp, but there is little more you can do! At least with a single key, this accident wouldn’t happen!

Way back in college, I once got locked out of the hostel room. I forgot to carry the key, and my roommate had locked the room and gone off. He returned much later in the evening. He said, “You know what? I never carry the key with me! I leave it every single day under the locked door!” In his excitement to demonstrate his innovative solution, instead of pushing the key towards himself, from underneath the doorsill, he ended up flicking it the opposite way. The key now lay several feet inside the locked room! Now, there were 2 fellows locked out, and 2 sets of keys…both inside the room!